When The Dark Days Come Again

This picture is from my Instagram post a couple of days ago. The darkness is trying to pull me back in. I don't know why this time. Sometimes I can trace it back to an event or an issue in my life: loss, lack of sleep, forgetting my meds, a sudden change. But none of those things have happened. And that just makes it worse. I want to figure this out. I want a reason for my depression. I want to blame this on something. Here's the thing, though: depression just is. You can't always attach it to something. Certain events can exacerbate it. A tragedy can precipitate it. There are individuals who can make it worse. But these things don't cause it. So here I sit again, feeling helpless and numb at the same time, moving through each day in robotic motions on an endless cycle of repeat. These are the days in which it takes every bit of my strength just to get out of bed, the days in which I try to avoid the grocery store (but if I do have to go, I'm silently praying the whole time that I won't see anyone I know), the days in which the sound of my phone ringing sends me into a panic, the days in which human interaction of any kind is just so hard. I want to just curl up into a protective little ball under a blanket and hide. But I can't. My family needs me, and I want to be there for them.

 This leads me to another point. I feel guilty for having depression. I know it's not my fault, but I still feel that my family suffers too much because of it-because of me. Then, of course, some people perpetuate that feeling. They will tell you to "snap out of it" or to "pray it away." They might even tell you that "it could be worse." And I want to yell, "Don't you think I'd snap out of it if I could?" Then prayer...yes, I pray. I pray every day. I read Scripture. That is wonderful. It sustains me through my darkest times. (I'm still here, aren't I?) But it does not fix depression. It is not a miracle cure. Oh, and it could be worse? Yes, I know that it could be worse. That still doesn't negate the fact that depression is hard, and it's my daily struggle. It doesn't need to be minimized or trivialized.

So, what do I do on these darkest of days? Obviously, the first thing I need to do is to let my doctor know that I've gotten into a dark place again. Secondly, I need to talk about what I'm feeling-even if I don't want to. That's one thing this blog helps me do. Here are some other things that I do (which may seem completely shallow to some of you) that don't cure my depression but at least make me feel a little better:

  1. Wear my favorite outfit - as seen in the pic below (that T-shirt reads "I'm a freakin' ray of sunshine!")
  2. Put on my favorite jewelry. (long silver earrings with lots of hoops, black & silver bracelet-also in pic below)
  3. Do my best makeup look.
  4. Style and color my hair. (pixie cut and RED!)
  5. Listen to my favorite music. (currently contemporary Christian-I gave up secular music for Lent)
  6. Watch my tried and true favorite comedies. (Impractical Jokers, Jim Gaffigan standup, The Office, Friends, Cheers, Frasier, Seinfeld)
  7. Eat foods that I really enjoy. (low carb ice cream, low carb fauxtatoes deluxe, CHEAT: Rice Krispy Treats)

"But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me."                Psalm 22:19

Comments

Jean L said…
I hope I never say things that make you feel like I'm trying to minimize your situation.
redkitchen said…
No, you don't. You are one of my strongest supporters. Love you!

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