Be You, Be Beautiful

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow"
                                                      -Cyndi Lauper


"You've changed." 
Oh, my, how I've heard these words recently! This statement has ranged in meaning from my views to my depression and almost everything in between the two. It's been spoken like it's an accusation. It's been said with irritation. These words have even been spoken as a reason that I'm harder to love or as something that makes it too difficult to keep me as a friend. 

But, you know what? This is who I am. I have depression. I will not apologize for that. It's part of me. My views? Yes, they've evolved. I've become more informed. I don't want to stay the same, anyway. I find that quite undesirable. I do not want to be stagnant. I choose to be a lifelong learner. Plus, in many ways I'm still the same:
kind, loving, compassionate, giving, bookish, feisty, wine-drinking, Netflix-watching, writer. If people would spend some time with me, they would see this; however, it's not my problem if they choose not to do so. I'm content with the people who are currently in my life and with the friends that I believe I will make in the future.

The older I get, the more comfortable I am with me. I love who I am. I want to surround myself with people who also love me for me. I won't simply be "tolerated." I expect to be loved, appreciated, and celebrated. It's taken me a long time to arrive at this place, and I won't allow anyone to take it away from me. It's an especially hard-won battle for someone with depression, but I've earned this victory and have the scars to prove it.

I feel beautiful in my own skin. I will continue to be true to who I am. For the ones who truly love me, I love you, too, and you all are wonderful examples of being real. To everyone, never be afraid to show your true colors. Your real life - and your real friends - are out there waiting!

Compassion

I've noticed that there is a disturbing lack of compassion in the world today. One look at Facebook and it's obvious. So many people are not willing to put themselves in others' places and imagine what it might feel like to be in a different place in life. I cannot understand this. In this day and time, there is no excuse for ignorance. Through the internet and global news, it is quite simple for us to be aware of the plight and struggles of others. It's not for lack of information that people are ignorant; it is by choice.

Furthermore, I cannot fathom the hate that spews out of the mouths of some people. Aren't we to love? Aren't we to reach out to other humans, regardless of race, religious or non-religious beliefs, or sexual orientation? So many problems could be solved if people were willing to truly love one another - unconditionally and without judgment. Trust me, it's possible - even rewarding - to love someone who is different from you.

All I know to do is to spread love and compassion everywhere I go. That is what I try to do. I cannot change the whole world in one broad sweep, but I can change my own outlook and give of myself in the best way I know how. That is my goal for this year and for the rest of my life. My hope is that one day soon the rest of the world will join me.

A Bitter Truth

Most of us eventually reach a certain place that will never allow us to go back to the place we used to be. We know too much. Our eyes have seen far too many things. Our hearts have been asked to bear more pain than any one human should have to stand. The answers we thought we had suddenly blow up in our faces, leaving us wounded and gasping for air. We look for new answers, but can find none that satisfy.

It's as if a hole has been ripped through our chests. The sorrow is tangible; we feel it in every painful breath we draw and every morning when we open our eyes. We long for our younger days - the days when we thought we knew the answers and could wrap difficult concepts up in neat little packages. But we got older, and the hard things got harder. There is no explanation now. We don't have one. Nobody has one. We're forced into this enigma of pain and cynicism, and there is no escape.

We are locked in this world where so many things don't make sense. This is hard for me to accept, and the older I get, the harder I gets. I can't imagine that it will ever get better. This is where I am now, and I can never go back.

A Legacy of Love and Faith

This year I've had to bid farewell to the last of my grandparents - my father's mother and father. While I'm sad to see them go, I know that I will one day see them again in my eternal home in Heaven, where they are already rejoicing together. This knowledge brings me both peace and joy.

My grandparents celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary just a few months before my grandfather passed away this past March. How amazing is that? 75 years of love and faithfulness, which included three children, my grandfather's service in World War II, the path to my grandfather's recovery after his stroke, and the countless misadventures that my granddaddy always managed to have. He was stubborn and quite a handful, but my grandmother loved him deeply, just as he loved her. 

Once my grandfather was gone, my grandmother was lost without him. He was truly the light of her life and her best friend. She thrived on the act of taking care of him. It was how she showed love. She served, whether it be through her delicious cooking or through her prayers for her family. She was a strong woman; saying goodbye to her this week was hard, yet we smile at the precious memories that will sustain us as the years go by.

They leave me with big shoes to fill. A marriage like theirs doesn't come along every day. It doesn't just happen. It takes work. It requires endurance. It needs faith. It calls for sacrifice. My grandparents are examples of all of that. Their faith is a testimony to the love and goodness of God. Throughout their lives - in times of joy and sorrow - they clung faithfully to the Father. I am inspired to walk in faith as they did. My grandfather said many things while he was alive, but two things that I will always remember and strive to live in light of are the following:

"If you want to know how much God has blessed me, just go outside and look at the stars at night. That's how many blessings God has given me."

"I know the reason that I made it back safely from the war. It's because Lucille [my grandmother] was on her knees every day praying for me."

This is their legacy. I have been blessed.

Snapshot

A snapshot. A brief moment. Captured and held forever in print or in digital form. Etched into our memories, where we can remain young, happy, innocent, naive - the way we were before...
Before the diagnosis came.
Before the death of our closest loved one tore our world apart.
Before the loss of the job.
Before we heard the words, "I don't love you anymore."
Before the night we repeatedly said no, but he didn't listen and did it anyway.
Before the darkness came and tried to rip the very life right out of us.

We are told that youth is fleeting, and while that is certainly true, innocence is even more so. I look back at my life and my heart breaks for the innocence that was taken from me, piece by piece, time and time again. As I watch people I love face tragedies, as well as strangers I see on the news, I am overwhelmed by their stories and grieve for the innocence that is lost every day. When I see pictures of them prior to the horrific events, their unknowing, smiling faces, oblivious to what's coming, I feel contrasting emotions. I feel even more saddened in some ways because they have no idea what is ahead, but on the other hand, I am glad that they are, at least for that moment, holding on to that one last piece of innocence.

I look at this picture of me and my youngest child. It was taken in December 2011. Yes, we're both smiling, but this picture makes me sad. It reminds me of what I've lost. This is my tangible, slap-in-the-face from reality; it's a reminder that I can never go back to the way it was. This picture was taken during my "ignorance is bliss" season. My daughter was happy. She was making progress and meeting milestones, a bit slower than normal, but she was meeting them. Two months later, things would change drastically. She would begin self-harming, regressing, and crying almost non-stop. We, of course, took her to several doctors; we finally ended up at the neurologist's office, where we received the diagnosis. And, just like that, our world changed.

Looking back, a part of me is glad that I didn't know what was to come; yet, there is another part that wishes that I could have known. Maybe I would have been able to appreciate those "snapshot" moments more. Or maybe I would never have been able to enjoy the happy times because I would have dreaded what was to come. That I will never know, of course, because we can never know what lies ahead; we can only learn from yesterday and live in today.

While life is certainly more difficult now, and I struggle each day, I know that our daughter was placed on this earth and in our home for a reason. I still don't know what purposes may come to be for her eventually, as she is only nine years old and still has so much potential, but as for now, she is already teaching me about compassion, unconditional love, and...innocence. Yes, this precious little one will live in a state of perpetual innocence. Her significant mental insufficiency makes that so. She will never understand that she is different from her siblings, or that her mom has depression, or that another act of terrorism has been committed. She will never have to worry about paying bills, or meeting deadlines at work, or even driving a car. She is a living "snapshot" of innocence, and I am learning to see each moment through her eyes.

So, slow down. Stop for a minute. Take that moment you're given and allow it to speak to you. Learn something from everything that happens to you. Be grateful for what you have today; you don't know what tomorrow may hold. But, no matter what happens, you must be strong enough to allow the events of your life to shape you into who you were created to be.


   

    
15 


16