Birthday Week

I'm excited to announce that my birthday is this week, and I'll be turning 42! Yes, you read that correctly; I am thrilled about being in my 40's. It's been my best decade yet-so far, anyway. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. I have figured out what's truly important in life. I no longer take things for granted. Plus, birthdays are fun! I don't have to cook or clean on mine. I get gifts. I get to be reminded of how much I am loved by family and friends. I get to be thankful for another year that the Lord has given me. And my sweet sister took me out this past weekend to celebrate with lunch and a movie. (We saw Beauty and the Beast, which, by the way, is fabulous.) We also made a stop by Ulta, which is where I scored this lovely beauty haul you see featured in the pic above. Literally, I treated myself from head to toe! I got three headbands, a cucumber eye kit, exfoliating body scrub, creamy body wash, luxurious body wash, body lotion, and nail polish. So, happy birthday to me!

My happy "I just got back home with goodies from Ulta" face.

When The Dark Days Come Again

This picture is from my Instagram post a couple of days ago. The darkness is trying to pull me back in. I don't know why this time. Sometimes I can trace it back to an event or an issue in my life: loss, lack of sleep, forgetting my meds, a sudden change. But none of those things have happened. And that just makes it worse. I want to figure this out. I want a reason for my depression. I want to blame this on something. Here's the thing, though: depression just is. You can't always attach it to something. Certain events can exacerbate it. A tragedy can precipitate it. There are individuals who can make it worse. But these things don't cause it. So here I sit again, feeling helpless and numb at the same time, moving through each day in robotic motions on an endless cycle of repeat. These are the days in which it takes every bit of my strength just to get out of bed, the days in which I try to avoid the grocery store (but if I do have to go, I'm silently praying the whole time that I won't see anyone I know), the days in which the sound of my phone ringing sends me into a panic, the days in which human interaction of any kind is just so hard. I want to just curl up into a protective little ball under a blanket and hide. But I can't. My family needs me, and I want to be there for them.

 This leads me to another point. I feel guilty for having depression. I know it's not my fault, but I still feel that my family suffers too much because of it-because of me. Then, of course, some people perpetuate that feeling. They will tell you to "snap out of it." They might even tell you that "it could be worse." And I want to yell, "Don't you think I'd snap out of it if I could?" Oh, and it could be worse? Yes, I know that it could be worse. That still doesn't negate the fact that depression is hard, and it's my daily struggle. It doesn't need to be minimized or trivialized.

So, what do I do on these darkest of days? Obviously, the first thing I need to do is to let my doctor know that I've gotten into a dark place again. Secondly, I need to talk about what I'm feeling-even if I don't want to. That's one thing this blog helps me do. Here are some other things that I do (which may seem completely shallow to some of you) that don't cure my depression but at least make me feel a little better:

1. Wear my favorite outfit - as seen in the pic below (that T-shirt reads "I'm a freakin' ray of sunshine!")
2. Put on my favorite jewelry. (long silver earrings with lots of hoops, black and silver bracelet-also in pic below)
3. Do my best makeup look.
4. Style and color my hair. (pixie cut and RED!)
5. Listen to my favorite music. 
6. Watch my tried and true favorite comedies. ( The Office, Friends, Cheers, Frasier, Seinfeld)
7. Eat foods that I really enjoy. 

"But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me."                Psalm 22:19

Self-Care: Important and Fun

Ah, the lovely face mask look! This is "Cackle Spackle" from Perfectly Posh. My local consultant gave me a sample. This mask is for detoxifying.

 

And this is "Totes Oats," also from Perfectly Posh.  It's a calming mask.

Here are the results: I have on NO makeup here.

I'm quite pleased with both products. I feel the combination of the two left my skin brighter and softer, and they left me feeling happier. The products helped me take care of my skin and myself.  And taking care of myself has become very important to me these days. In the past I often didn't take the time to do much for myself, but lately I've become obsessed (truly, not sure if that's a healthy word, but that's what I am) with practicing self-care. I look for ways to treat myself. I make sure to schedule in something that I enjoy each day. It's a vital part of helping me to cope healthily with my depression and anxiety and also helping me to find my identity outside that of special needs parent. I have a list of several things from which to choose: go outside for a walk or just to sit, exercise, take a long bath, try new facial products (obviously!), read a book, color in my "grown up" coloring books using my "fancy" gel pens, write (poetry, my feelings, ideas for my novel), watch Netflix, drink decaf, go to lunch with a friend, buy new makeup, buy new hair accessories (yes, those of with pixie cuts can accessorize!), just goof off on my phone, listen to music, plan next year's homeschool curriculum lineup, and a few other things that I've forgotten at the moment. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. I had to learn that the hard way. So I encourage you all to find ways to treat yourself, and then make the time to do it. You won't regret it. As a motivation for you all, leave a comment stating at least one way in which you plan to care for yourself this week. Then come back and leave a comment after you actually do it!

School: Week of March 20, 2017

After a great deal of prayer and thought, we decided to put our youngest child in public school. Due to the severity of her special needs, I needed to outsource her instruction. She is truly enjoying it. She has even discovered some new things. One is a love for chocolate milk! My older children will continue to be homeschooled. Each child is different, and we make decisions based on what we know is best for each of our children. It is truly a blessing to have options.

My 8th grader is taking Pre-Algebra this year. He usually enjoys math and is doing well so far. I hope that continues!

He is reading Abraham Lincoln's World in history. I find it fascinating because you learn about what was going on all over the world during Lincoln's lifetime. It really helps you to connect events and people. When I was in school, much of my history focused only on the United States; now I get to learn about the history of other parts of the world right along with my children. I love that I, too, am receiving an education! 

Early morning bliss: My decaf, our devotional book, my tenth grader's current book, and teaching unit. I've never seen my daughter so excited about her literature and composition course. Throw in some J.R.R. Tolkien and I've got one happy kid! And Mom is pretty happy, too.  The teaching unit from Prestwick House is excellent. It's opened up several great discussions already, including the conflict between good & evil, the idea of free will, and corruption through power. My daughter has been asked to find examples of irony, foreshadowing, and even an example of deus ex machina in the story.  I'm quite impressed with the vast wealth of knowledge contained in this guide. I plan to purchase more guides from them in the future.

"Courage"

After years of fear and procrastination, I am finally pursuing my writing career full time. I've had three articles published within the last seven years, but I've only worked on my writing part time until this month.  I'm now investing more time and energy into my passion. I've applied for several freelance writing jobs, and I am also in the preliminary stages of writing my first novel. Meanwhile, I wrote this poem earlier today. It speaks of the difficulty that I have in simply getting out of bed most days due to depression, and it also speaks about overcoming my anxiety by being brave enough to bare my soul to the world. Finally, this poem reminds me (and others) that it's worth the fight to get up and to keep going; it's worth the risk to follow your dreams. So, be courageous. Do what you're meant to do.

“Courage”

Morning arrives again

It’s time to awake

Getting out of the bed

Is so hard to take

To face another day

Such a daunting task

Put on my best brave face

Wear a cheerful mask

I want to remain there

In my safe cocoon

Hating the morning sun

Longing for the moon

Like a caterpillar           

Leaves behind the known

I, too, must leave comfort

Strike out on my own

How will I ever know

How high I can fly

If I don’t spread my wings

Emerge...butterfly!

-J. Smith; March 26, 2017

Coming Out of the Dark

"In the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

Yesterday marked the first day of spring for those of us in the northern hemisphere. It's a season of rebirth. It's a season that reminds us that there's life after death. We begin to see the light after a long darkness. We begin to feel the comfort of warmth where we once felt the bitterness of the cold. Flowers burst forth in color and trees display the brilliant green of new growth. Spring is the promise of summer to come: long days, relaxed schedules, trips to the beach, picnics, ice cream. It's a season of hope.

But what if winter didn't end? What if the darkness didn't go away? What if the bone-chilling numbness became your constant companion? What if the world lost its color? Would you keep searching for the light? Would you look for new growth? For how long? Would you continue even when it became a frantic search that ended in deeper darkness? How long would it take you to give up all hope? The darkness and cold are powerful. They can envelop you completely.

That is where I've been. That is why I've been absent from blogging for a year. Depression took over and nearly killed me. My winter was long. It was cold. It was dark. It was horrific. I thought it would never end. I hit the bottom of the pit. My husband found me there. He helped me find the strength to begin to get out. I got help. I'm better now. I'm thankful for my supportive family and friends. I'm grateful for my doctors and therapists and for the medications that they have prescribed for me. I'm eternally thankful to the Lord for his sustaining mercy and grace that carry me through every day. My depression has not gone away, but I've got the tools to manage it now. I am coming into my spring, and I am looking forward to my summer.


"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

Homeschooling: Jan. 4-8, 2016

Christmas break is over. We made it through our first week back at school. Here's a little peek into our week:

Baby Girl's Daily Calendar - We purchased it at Target.

Baby Girl's School

Bug is reading a book from his current Sonlight core.

Doodles is watching a math lesson using her DIVE CD. 

Bug is doing a science experiment to demonstrate a fossil mold and cast.

This is super cool!